I just need to vent.
That day…
We sat there. Getting “hot and heavy” lol… I got on top of him. He looked in my eyes asked if I was ready… my reply “yes” with a loving smile on my face. He’s going to be my first, now I can really prove to him that I love him.. those we’re my thoughts. He asked me 3 times if i was ready… I replied yes 3 times back. It happened. It hurt so fucking bad, I wanted to cry. I felt like I was being ripped in half. All I could say was oww over and over and over again. After it was done I just wanted him to hold me… I told him I loved him… he said it back. It was an awkward ride home. Silence.All I could think about is how much I loved him. The next day came around… I would tell him I loved him, his reply “I know.” Then night came. I got that famous we need to talk TEXT. ” The reason I couldn’t get hard was because I didn’t feel the love anymore, I’m sorry.” I apologized told him I didn’t care… He still said “there was no love” and “I just don’t wanna be in a relationship anymore” his best friend gave my best friend that excuse when they broke up. Someone ripped my heart out, stabbed me in the stomach. I’ve never hated myself more. I hated him… but with love. “The only reason I did it was because I know you wanted to lose it to me, and not be a virgin anymore” I didn’t. I would’ve given him the moon if I could’ve or if he wanted it. I wanted so bad to cry to my mom tell her what happened.. I couldn’t though.I wanted him to realize I still loved him and take me back, He didn’t. I’m never getting it back. Ever. I should’ve listened to all the people saying to wait. He took my last ounce if dignity I had left. Something that’s supposed to be cherished. It’s not a small deal. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD TO GET IT BACK. TAKE THAT NIGHT BACK, TAKE BACK MY YES!!! I’ve never hated myself more. There’s not a day I don’t think about him. Sex is sacred, not something you just do with no emotional ties. I’m forever going to think of him every once in a while. I JUST WANT THE TRUTH. WHAT DID I DO WRONG, WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME???
